Now I can breathe...

I finally found the perfect time to tell my Papa, "I love you"  and guess what? He said "I love you" back :)  I called a few days ago to greet my father as it was his 81st birthday and it just came out of my mouth...perhaps, my mind and my heart has been preparing for this moment. And am so happy it went well. I was even about to put the phone down and was not even expecting him to answer back but he did. I was smiling the whole day I was in the office. No one could break my stance, not even my angry and frustrated customer over the phone. I was still smiling when I went home. You know how it felt like? It felt so much like Anggat, La Mesa, Magat and San Roque Dams combined. It felt like the rush of water that's been kept contained for quite a while. All the emotional baggages I have stored in the recesses of my mind has been instantly cleaned of its cobwebs of doubt. And although those words were said over the phone I know it meant a lot to him as much as it did for me. 

My father is a quiet man, he'd rather talk to the nails he pounds on the wood at the back of our ancestral home than say what runs deep in his mind. But...

Papa, thank you for putting this family together. Thank you for being the calm after the storm. Thank you for teaching me how to drive, for giving me 10 pesos each time I wash your car :)  

For teaching me and my sisters to ride the bicycle, for teaching us to love animals...especially cats. Thank you for giving us a home...for making sure we graduate from college and for putting up with what happened in between. 

Thank you Papa for being present on major occasions in my life, for being there on my graduation, and for walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. There are so many memories that you have been a big part of Papa and I am sorry I was not able to say "I love you" on several instances. I thought doing so required some form of Herculean task but I  was wrong. But there...I've said it...we can now both breathe and let go of our silly fears and doubts. :)

Father of mine...a daughter's woe...

Over a cup of coffee, my youngest sister, Coco, shared how her "heart" "hurt" when she heard our Papa say "I love you" back to our other sister, Minpi, the other day. To be honest, I felt a sharp twinge in my chest as I, too, long to hear my father say that to me. Because although I already am a grown up, a mother, and a wife - I am still a daughter who longs to feel a father's love and a confirmation of any sort that I, too am not only a daughter out of my mother's womb but also someone he cherishes since the day I was born. Needless to say, I brought this up with my sister Minpi and she said that she too, was surprised when our Papa replied back. She said that it was a huge effort she put on and that it was all worth it. My sister said that she started saying "I love you" to our Papa last year and that everytime ... our father would say nothing but just hug her back.

I was just staring at my father awhile ago and realise how old he has become and probably feels alone in the confinement of his feelings for his daughters. I wish I had the same courage of my sister Minpi, who for 1 year, persevered and just waited and waited until my father gave :) Perhaps once day soon I would follow suit but as of this time I am so afraid of being rejected specially if the person who would do the rejecting is someone very close to my heart.